Which is great, because I do it a lot, and this way I know I’m not driving everyone around me crazy. They enjoy my ranting and raving about how fucked up everything is, and that’s good to know. Really good to know because I am unhealthily paranoid about such things.
I like making light of negative situation, my attitude has always been if I can laugh about it, then it is not as bad as it seems. If I can get others to laugh at it, then it is probably no big deal. I got a lot of problems, really who doesn’t, and I don’t mean to bitch and complain but rather point out how silly things are.
The world around me and all its problems, are just silly little flaws of complex human socialization. Maybe if I can point out how stupid and crazy we are sometimes, maybe we will laugh at ourselves and maybe even change ourselves for the better, because it is probably true that things are never really as bad as they seem. Myself as well, I’m quick to criticize myself when I know I’m wrong, trying to convince myself any and all of my emotional and psychological problems are not as bad as they seem, they are just silly little flaws, that can be fixed in time.
I’m a comedic bearer of bad news, trying to soften the blow of brutal reality. I try to make everyone look themselves in the mirror with the same sort of honesty that I do. I try to make everyone else look at the world around them with the same acceptance of waking human reality that I do.
That’s who I try to be. Unfortunately a lot of people don’t like the truth, so in turn, they don’t like me. They try to run away from reality and turn me into some kind of villain. Truth is I am a good guy I just behavior badly, it is what you do and not what you say, me speaking your evil is far less evil then you doing it in the first place.
I don’t like bitching and complaining and I hope that’s not how I am received. I have a brain that doesn’t rest and I observe things at a level of depth that few every do, because most would never bother. I see the bad in the world, but I can also see the good, the problem is, it is always easier to criticize.
A reoccurring rant of mine is that 'I don’t do happiness,' or 'happiness is for wimps.' If you possess any insight into people at all you might have guessed that I am trying to laugh off how generally unhappy I am with my life.
Don’t get me wrong I know its not that bad, I’m in school and doing okay. I have the financial wherewithal to never be bound paycheck to paycheck allowing me the freedom to quit any job I dislike at any time. I have an apartment downtown Calgary that rents out to me relatively cheap because I’ve lived there so long, plus I have a roommate that I have no problems whatsoever living with. I’m not diseased, I’m not crippled, I’m not stupid, I’m not starving, I’m not broke, I’m not dying, no major crisis whatsoever.
But still I am never satisfied with myself.
The self-labeling theorem (or self-fulfilling prophecy) is a concept in psychology that states if you continue to label someone as something; they will undoubtedly in time become the labels you gave them. I see this everywhere, and it is frightening to think of the consequence it entails. Stereotypes of all kinds are reinforced by this sort of dilemma, also people with darker disposition can almost never break free of their downward spiral once the rest of humanity begins to treat them differently. Know this, no one unhappy wants sympathy, they want empathy, they don’t want you to share in their pain, they just want you to understand theirs’.
For so long most of the respect and interest from others I received in my life has come from when I work at a job. After a while I started feeling more like a worker drone then anything else. I am damn good for something and that something is work. No one, and I am going to allow myself this statement of arrogant confidence, no one out works me. I am the hardest worker any of you know, because that’s all I got. It has gotten so bad that even when I’m relaxing I systematically change what I’m doing into some form of work.
There are times to this day that I do not feel like a man whatsoever. Now I am a man biologically, but not always emotionally, I feel like I identify more with a working robot, or perhaps some strange force of nature that just runs over everything that gets in its way. I get unnerved when people ask me how I am, because I have this nagging feeling that such a state of good or bad is completely irrelevant, because I don’t feel. I am not suppose to feel, and though generally unhappy, I am perfectly content with my gloomy little world, and as strange as that sounds, it is how I feel about myself. I am perfectly comfortable being unhappy because it is familiar territory and in the end I feel absolutely neutral. If I woke up tomorrow suddenly feeling happy it would scare the shit out of me, I honestly wouldn’t know what to do. They labeled me as a working maniac, and that’s what I become!
This is ridiculous! I am ridiculous! But even I have to admit to myself that this is pretty fucking funny. Hence how happiness is for wimps. And as long as I can laugh about being a miserable bastard one-day I just might turn it around on myself and that would be great, because unlike moron goths and emos who try to glorify their unhappiness, I want mine to end. I shouldn’t be so down on myself anyway, I really don’t deserve it.
Some of you told me you wanted a rant this month and I felt this was a good one, makes me laugh anyway, and the subject matter can only be offensive to me… I think.
The song in question that I think best captures this psychological problem of mine is actually kind of a happy song; Rush – 'Working Man.'
Surely you can see the relation to my madness in the chorus:
'It seems to me
I could live my life
A lot better than I think I am.
I guess that's why they call me,
They call me the working man.
They call me the working man.
I guess that's what I am.'
I do not know if it is charming of me to be so open and honest with everyone who dares listen to me, or perhaps I am an annoying pessimist. I assure you at least I try to be funny and charming, I like to believe there is a very enduring quality to such honesty. Then again I also know that sometimes the brutal truth is far more brutal then it is true, even when it’s perfectly true.
But there is something to feel good about and that is Rush!
These guys have always rocked, and they always will, Canada’s greatest rock group of all time. Sorry Guess Who, guess again. Rush have a whole library of awesome music but I think I’ve made my attachment to 'Working Man' very clear. It is one of my favorite songs of all time.
I have a lot of respect for the working men of real life, many of my closest friends are the ones I can identify with in discipline and work ethic. The only thing you can respect in this world is ability, and hard work is the greatest ability of them all. The greatest force there is, is indomitable spirit of man, and as long as we stay true to ourselves and work towards our goals and dreams with constant vigilance, impossible is nothing. Laziness and cowardice are the bane of humanity; hear my mantra; 'Victory always goes to those with courage!'
See that last paragraph was rather uplifting wasn’t it? I’m not all bad.
I hope everyone enjoys my music in reviews, at times I really feel like I’m putting myself out there, maybe embarrassing myself even. I only aim to please, tell you about some awesome music, maybe make you laugh. Hell I’m a good sport about it, go ahead and laugh at me. I am ridiculous, and now you know why.
Until next month, keep on rocking in the free world.
- Colin Kelly